new beginnnings?

....so this is what i've been working on looking like for the past year or so....





the other day,my gramma decided i would get an early birthday present!i have been planning on donating my hair, but was not sure when it would happen....



good bye, tresses!



....hello,you saucy minx with the raspberry do,you!

i am please.amused one would even say.this weight of the hair being off me is also purely metaphorical.after my last blog post, i was messing around with a friend writing emerson quotes back and forth and stumble don one regarding one's worth.it makes me happy that ralph waldo and i are on the same page.

slowly,gradually,i'm getting better at that whole "self realization" shebang.i recently saw a dear old friend that i met when i went to italy fresh out of high school.she helped me open myself up and let loose(but not go wackadoodle crazy) and discover who i wanted to be.seeing her again reminded me of how i used to be,and how i have come a long way from that person.

i just hope i keep going!

i behold thee to a standard that is fit for the heavens...

okay,i have something to admit(partially)...i sparingly watch television at it's regular hours(although i am now a huge fan of "parenthood",but that shall come later),and usually watch it as a time killer or as a means to get me to go to bed.i do like television shows,don't get me wrong.i just watch those on my own time and generally over the summe rin the form of boxed sets.anyway...

there is a show on a network made for cable that is a reality/documentary show.it is hosted/created by and stars a particular "musician/celebrity" that i do not endorse or enjoy very much.the reason i shamefully yet shamlessly watch this program is due to the subject matter....it is a show that chronicles the concept of beauty throughout the world(most of you have probably guessed the show and are sneering,please keep reading)

i am obsessed with beauty.when i say that, i don't mean that i am looking for the cheapest surgery or the latest fad diet to get me looking hollywood ready.what i mean is that i am obsessed with the concept and question of "what makes a person beautiful to another?" this fascinates me.i realize that what i find beautiful to me is not always the case with another.and i am not just referring to humans-clothing,art,music,puppies,the whole shebang!i do try to take care of myself, as i do believe in the "healthy body,healthy attitude,healthy life" mantra.i take good care of my skin, but that is mostly because it is important to treat your body every now and again...i eat moderately well and healthy,and i do try to exercise, although years of not doing so and having a lazy constitution have taken their tolls...

this brings me back to my fascination with this show.i like that it is program on a mainstream network that at least shows people living in a shallow box that beauty comes from all over the world and is in many shapes,sizes, and colors...i love hearing about rituals and outfits and customs from afar.i want to visit these places and see what other people see,feel what they feel,bask in their energy!
i realize this is an ages old lesson and it seems a bit silly for me to tout this program,but let's face it....at least more people are actually paying attention to this.i actually feel good about myself after watching one of these episodes.i realize that there really is more than what meets the eye.

i have always known that,as i try to see/find beauty in everything.for me,a person's beauty stems from who they are as a person.if they are good looking on the outside with a rotten personality...eeeeeh,not so good looking anymore.i want to believe most people,especially the intellegent ones are like this, but sadly it is nto the case. i've almost found that my more intellegent friends(some of which,in society's mind may not be so so attracticve)are even more shallow than i ever could have thought.it's sickening.

i am a victim of being shallow as well.mine comes in the form of thinking that if i look a certain way,then shallow people will find me attractive.to me,it's a form of be being shallow.i want to lose some extra weight,but mostly it's because i plan amazing outfits in my head that i would liek to wear in real life...i should probably learn to sew to accomplish this....oooh,i'm rambling

not to sound like a song by another pop artist i am not a fan of, but there is beauty everywhere.i applaud the people who look for it,find it,and embrace it.i am humbled to have such stunningly amazing friends.i look at each one and am in awe of the presence they each have.to me,every one of my friends is lovlier than a rose.and they smell even sweeter.i am proud of them for being beautiful in their own ways,with their individual quirks and talents,and for embracing me,idiosyncrasies and all.

now when i see myself,it is not with a smirk,but with a smile....

it conquers all,it is in the air we breathe,we want it even if we lose it,it turns a sane person mad,and yet it is all we need

it's love.the other day in humanities, our prof started asking us all questions about this concept...it stemmed from beginning to learn about the romantics,and what really constituted romantic love..unfortunatel,he tried calling on me to answer the question "can one find love on this school campus?is it possible to meet your soulmmate at a college such as the one we attend?"...i answered very basically that love is everywhere,and is found in the most unexpected places...i had so so much more to contriubute to this topic.i wish we had talked more, but i have a very non participating class....i don't think the concept or the idea of romantic love has left society,but i do however thinkthat the subjective idea of what is romantic has changed.i think it's become more tailor made and personal.one student referred to candle light dinners...now see,i don't want that.for one thing, that's a fire hazard.for another,i'm just really not into candle lit dinners.although,you'd think i would be,since candle light is one of the more flattering lighting sources...i'm getting off topic..what i wanted to pose as a question to the class(but didn't)was this:if we surveyed every girl in the room,how many of them would share the idea of what a perfect date(preferably first)would be like?i would have been very interested in hearing the girls tell their versions of realistic first date ideas,then survey the guys and compare and contrast.i think as society has broadened,so have not only oppourtunities with love,but creativity in expressing a want to share/begin/confront/entertain the idea of love...

(oh,for the record,my ideal realistic first date could go north or south...)
*north would involve a wonderfully musiical road trip to la,where we would visit a museum for a few hours,maybe have a snack,drive and walk down melrose maybe and try on silly vintage frocks before having dinner at somewhere really romantic...like roscoe's house of chicken and waffle!...then if i'm lucky we go to the argyle or some other swanky theatre for an awesome movie(not before stopping off at amoeba first of course)and then getting a bite at swinger's..or cupcakes....

*south would also involve a musical road trip,this time to san diego for a picnic in the glorious sprwaling balboa park.this one would involve a walk around the park,possibly a trip into one of their museums(if i was really lucky it would involve the neighboring zoo!)and then a small drive up to hilcrest where we could peruse shops,maybe go into the 2nd hand bookstore...and then have dinner at the lovely pizza fusion..but we won't get too full because then we'll drive down to the gaslamp district,walk around,and totally pig out on sundaes at ghirardelli's...

i have a feeling that what i think is a really low key fun day date would probably intimidate and scare the crap out of every guy in the universe.i just feel that maybe dates should be a little more creative than "dinner and a movie"...i live in southern california,and although even i complain there isn't a ton to do in my area,these at least offer a wider span of options,no?




...all this talking about "love" got me going off on tangents.sure,i've been in love before,and yes,i had a relationship one many many moons ago...but how then does mutual attraction really work?i seem to understand it when it applies to two other people,but somehow i haven't honed down the "mutual" aspect of attraction when it comes to me.i think that may be true of most people though,which is why a lot of people are oblivious when someone does in fact like them.i am regarded (by some)to be a romantic cynic.i think i am less cynical and more realistic about things,and that realism makes people think i am nonchallant about the concept of love.it's quite untrue.i do,however have about 22 out of my nearly 27 living years experience in love/lust/platonic feelings/....i have been struggling with this concept since the day i met eric dubhorn in kindergarten!and since michael zoppi's greand rejection of my advnaces at the tender age of sevem,i have been trying to avenge younger anne's defeat.i don't think i'm doing too well,though.

i'm just really impatient.i am still reeling from my the third largest rejection in my life that occurred last year and have done a lot to work on myself(because obviously,somewhere along the line,awesome as i am,i need some work...did i mention i talk too much,which is an issue for most guy?).i'm just tired of interpreting the little coincedences that only mean something to me,tired of making incredibly strong platonic connections that don't seem to go anywhere.i think it's about time the universe owe me one and sends me a completely romantically unromantically inclined man.i think i deserve it.

i just want to believe i'm worth it.