and all the rest

man alive it's been a boring weekend.

calculating your worth is a really tricky thing.my birthday is coming up,and usually i go a little invite crazy.i generally feel bad if i don't include people, and therefore i invite a lot of people.last year, about twenty people showed up at my house.all my friends,acquaintances,etc.it was fulfilling that so many people wanted to come celebrate with me(or eat free food)...but i felt that because there were so many people,and of different interests it was a little strained to make connections with everyone.this year i went sensible.and the results are a tad interesting.

i am the easiest person to befriend.i get along with nearly anyone(so long as they have some sense of intelligence and are not a flaming racist among other things)...unfortunately,i also serve as the wet blanket of all my friends.you know what i'm referring to.i'm that friend.the one that reminds you of all your tasks,calls when you need a wake up call, and is also the friend you call when all your other friends can't do anything with you.that's me for a majority of people i've "befriended" over the years.i also have a difficult living situation that prevents me from going places and at hours when it's more convenient for others.i struggle to determine whether i have any friends i can really count on.

that brings us to this year.this was a good year for friends.if one was to look at the people i've decided to invite to my birthday....cassie and robyn would be the only people i was friends with last year...i have made some really strong bonds this year.i still struggle with knowing how much they appreciate my presence,but i think i am finally seeing that i am capable of having relationships with people.

...in order to get me to this point,i should explain that i have never...ever...ever had great self esteem.i didn't think anyone deserved to be my friend(this includes faint of intellect and blatant bigots) because i had nothing to offer.it's still a learning process,but i am at least at the point where i can recognize that yes, i do have good qualities.how i got here is a totally other story.

all i can say is that the bonds we make with people are only as strong as we are as people.if we are weak of spirit, then we will view our friendships as weak.so stay strong,see not only the good in others,but in yourself...i guarantee, you are worth it!(except you,racists and ignorant beings..you're kind of hopeless)